Rattlesnakes, Yellowspotted Lizards, and JASON!
by grab bag
Summary: A hopefully funny parody of bad Holes fanfiction that was inspired by a line in the cast commentary. Halloween fanfic.


This was inspired by a running gag my sister and I have, based on something from the commentary on the DVD. If you watch the movie on "Cast Commentary," there's one point where Mr. Sir is describing the yellow-spotted lizards to Stanley on his first day CGL. The actors make fun of the eerie music playing in the background, saying it sounds like "Jason music." My sister and I have quoted this constantly recently, b/c of all the bad horror films on TV- "There's three things you have to watch out for at Camp Green Lake- rattlesnakes, yellow-spotted lizards...and JASON!"

Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Holes is to Louis Sachar as Jason is to a Major Film Company as nothing is to grab bag.

Warning: Mary-Sue and OOC plot bashing ahead. Proceed with caution.

* * *

"Halloween is tomorrow, you know."

Zigzag had been uncharacteristically quiet all day. This was the first thing he had said, and it was already dinner. Of course, that could have been because it was very, very hot. Whenever somebody writes about Camp Green Lake, it is always very, very hot. Even if the obligatory new female character just celebrated her 17th birthday on January 23rd, it has to be hot there, or how else would she be able to faint from heat exhaustion and have to be rescued by her D-tenter-of-choice? So, naturally, it was very, very hot.

"Hey, what was that you said, Zig?" X-ray asked. He had been too busy listening to the explanation of the temperature, which had been bugging him for some time. THAT was why it was so hot all the time, and why nobody ever speaks during digging scenes (unless it's for romantic development).

"Halloween," Zigzag repeated, "is tomorrow." He stared into the distance, not because he saw something, but because he knew that's what you do when you say something profound which will have a major impact on the coming plot development.

Squid said something negative, which could have been "So what?" or "Who cares?" He turned and glared at the group of girls who were watching him from the next table over. There were too damn many girls these days.

The girls all wiped the goofy grins off their faces, scowled with the same loathing scowl, and simultaneously gave Squid the finger. No one must know that beneath their tough exterior there was a sappy lovesick teenaged girl pining away for Squid's touch.

Magnet had been waiting for this routine to end, and said his insignificant to the plot but funny comment.

"Maybe there'll be a psycho-killer on the loose and knock off all the girls, eh?" Then he threw in an arbitrary phrase in Spanish for good measure, which nobody understood or really cared about, because he never provided a translation anyway.

Armpit of course put his two cents in, "Hey, that might be good considering the population problem we got." He gestured to the surrounding tables, each of which was filled with girls. Besides Easy, Thlump, and a few of their goonies, D-tent was the only group of guys in the room.

Stanley laughed to show he really was an important character. Zero said nothing.

The boys finished their dinner and went off to the Wreck Room for a little down time before the girls finished their dinner and crowded their space. They chuckled a little more about Magnet's pointless joke as they went.

Unfortunately for Magnet, his insignificant comment wasn't as insignificant as he thought it was.

One girl was sitting alone in M-tent (they had to add extensions for all the "wily" girls coming in from inadequate girl's camps). She was debating with herself whether or not to write a letter home. Squid didn't write to HIS mother, so why should she? On the other hand, she ALWAYS wrote a letter before she met Squid...and she was CERTAIN he felt the same way about her!

At that moment, a man with a cheap rubber mask walked into her tent. He walked right up to her cot and stared.

The girl looked up and gasped in a very dramatic way, since guys like drama (does Squid like dramatic girls? I wonder...)

She said right to the man in the mask, "Who are you? What the heck are you doing in my tent?" (since guys like bold girls too).

The man said nothing.

The girl stood up, "Have you come to kill me? Huh? Cause its Halloween? I was paying attention, you know, I read the first sentence."

The man still said nothing.

"Well, Squid will save me. I know it. And don't tell me, 'don't hold your breath,' cause I don't have to!"

Silence.

"Oh, yeah? I'll show you!"

The girl held her breath. He face cycled through several lovely shades of red, blue, and purple, the kind of which are most likely found in anime hair. Squid didn't show up, but the girl was so stubborn that she passed out.

The man didn't say anything. He shut the tent door as he left.

The next morning, it turned out that all of J through P tent had been injured or vanished from mysterious causes. Most had been bitten by rattlesnakes, although these are not known to be nocturnal creatures. Some girls had fallen in holes and broken something, some suffered food poisoning, and some had been in a fight between each other. A few had simply run away, others had allergic reactions to the onions and peaches they had served the night before, while still others suffered mysterious epileptic seizures from a banned episode of Pokémon that was playing on Zigzag's busted TV. All of these, the remaining conscious girls had said, were instigated by a silent man in a cheap rubber mask.

Mr. Sir was the only one who realized this for what it was. As the cafeteria serving as a makeshift hospital filled up, he was heard to mutter strange phrases-

"I've said it from Day 1 to these Girl Scouts. There's three things you have to watch out for at Camp Green Lake- rattlesnakes, yellow-spotted lizards, and JASON!"

Most of the remaining campers thought he was just going crazy under all the stress, but Stanley wasn't so sure.

"Hey!" Zigzag shouted, "Why don't I get to be the one who isn't sure?"

Grab Bag yells at Zigzag, "Because I'M writing the story, and you already told us it's Halloween today. You served your purpose for this plot. I don't need you anymore. That's why."

"Oh."

Stanley did a little research on this alleged Jason by threatening Mr. Pendanski. Stanley would rename him "The Nameless Character" if he didn't tell him what Mr. Sir meant. Knowing that nameless characters are the first to go, and hoping to stay conscious for a few more chapters, he complied.

Mr. Pendanski told a rather long and boring story that didn't really answer Stanley's question, and would take a decent author to write it, so we're just going to cut it out here. Why don't you take a ten-minute break from reading, go to the bathroom, get a snack; he'll still be talking when you return anyway.

**te****n minutes later**

"And, in conclusion," Mr. Pendanski said, "the basic reason that the Jason legend exists is because it's just a way for councilors to frighten unruly campers. Just like any other camp."

Stanley woke from his stupor and asked, "So, why couldn't you have just told me that instead of talking for ten minutes?"

Mr. Pendanski snapped at Stanley for asking too many questions and told him to hurry along, his hole was waiting. Stanley grumbled to nobody in particular as he walked towards the Library.

"Damn writers, they think everyone has all the time in the world for a lengthy explanation. That's ten minutes of digging you wasted there! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!" Stanley yelled up to the sky, which was growing lighter.

At that moment, Stanley stepped on a strategically placed shovel, which flew up in his face and knocked him out, giving him a very, very nasty bump on his forehead.

Now the author was happy- Stanley wasn't that important of a character anyway.

Uneventful scenes of digging deleted here

The D-tent boys returned to their tent after digging all day, and had all mysteriously found their way to the tent at the same time. Any other intelligent characters might have noticed this and found it odd, considering that they all finished their holes at different times, but no one ever talks about what happens before everyone is together in the tent. Since no one talks about it, it mustn't exist, they thought. So no one paid it any mind.

"I mean, guys," Armpit said as he walked into the tent, "the penguin was seriously THAT big-"

He stopped short, and looked around the tent. Something was different, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it...

He shrugged it off, and put his hat on his cot, right next to the man in the rubber mask.

"Dude!" X-ray yelled, "The Jason guy is on your cot!"

"Well, so he is!" Armpit replied mildly. Then the force of what he said hit him and he scrambled away.

"Alright you," Zigzag threatened, "who are you with? The FBI? The CIA? The Communists? Talk!"

The man in the rubber mask stood up, took one step forwards.

* * *

This is a note from the author. Now you may be expecting to read a horrifying and scary scene, but this is not so. If you have noticed, nobody has died. It may be a scary movie crossover fic, but its still rated G. So fear not, gentle reader, and continue...

* * *

The man in the rubber mask took one step forwards (again).

At that very moment, Stanley (who had conveniently forgotten to return his shovel to the Library) remembered the nasty bump he got on his head from arguing with the narrator. Putting two and two together, he ran over to the advancing man.

Stanley raised the shovel high and swung.

And missed.

But fortunately, the momentum he had built up swung him around in a full circle and bashed the man on the knees, who fell and became entangled in the bed sheets of the nearest cot, rolling onto the floor, until he was completely immobile.

"Well," Squid said, "that was just a little contrived."

During all the excitement, a girl snuck into the tent, covered Zero's mouth with her hand, and carried him out the back tent flap, fluffing his hair as she went 

X-ray walked over to the man on the floor, and said in a loud clear voice, "Now let's see who Jason REALLY is!" Whipping off the mask, he revealed "Jason" to be none other than...

"It's Thlump!"

"But why?"

Come on, now, were none of you sick and tired of all those girls running around? I mean besides the fact that they were completely annoying and all named Mary, but they were attempting to undermine the authority and posterity of the noble story of Camp Green Lake! They don't belong here! I mean, it specifically says 'BOYS Reformatory Camp,' and I seriously doubt they ALL got an expulsion from a girls penitentiary. Half of them can't even hold a freakin' shovel the correct way! None of them got in here by themselves. They undeniably had help, and I bet it's because they're all orphans too."

X-ray blinked.

"Hey, I didn't know you had a tenth grade vocabulary!" Squid said.

Thlump sighed. "Alright, ignore my rants. 'Hey, it's not like Thlump's a real character anyway, he's just the antagonist, blah blah.' Lemme try something you meatheads can understand- ahem...And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

Still confused, they knocked Thlump out with the shovel. All the talk was making their heads hurt. But something was still wrong...

"Hey...where's Zero?"

And so, gentle reader, the mystery of Jason was solved, the camp rid of Mary-Sues, and Thlump was punished for absolutely no reason, but just because he's Thlump and that's what happens to him. We're not quite sure where Zero is, but he'll turn up eventually...we hope.

Fin 


End file.
